Divorce and Children

Divorce is a challenging experience for both parents and children.  Divorce is challenging for children only if it is not dealt with well by both parents and the parenting is not aligned.  So it is important to consider the quality of co-parenting and parenting strategies.  

When couples divorce there needs to be a time of adjustment as there is guilt and a sense of failure when thinking of a divorce or divorcing.  However when deciding to divorce or stay you need to consider the quality of the relationship for the children.  For example, if you are constantly fighting and there is emotional and physical abuse involved then you are teaching the children that unhealthy relationships are normal and they will either go into an abusive relationship or become abusive when grown up as they won't know what is healthy.  Moreover, ongoing fighting is not healthy for anyone and toxic for children to stay in.  However, if you do separate then work towards being harmonious for the children. I understand for abusive relationships that can be difficult as the abuser often continues to abuse through the system and co-parenting. 

Younger children may show behavioural challenges when the parents divorce and think the main parent they are with are also going to abandon them.  Communicate to the child about what is happening, it is not their fault and continue the dialogue.  I also recommend counselling for the children to check-in with how they are feeling and give them a safe space to talk through their experience.  Counselling can help manage the behavioural challenges.  Behavioural challenges may be externalising behaviour such as hitting, yelling and being oppositional.  It can also be internalising behaviour such as sadness and being withdrawn.  So if your child is quiet then see is as a sign of not coping.  Moreover, children will carry the guilt of the split if they don't understand what is going on due to lack of communication by both parents. 

Both parents and children need time to adjust to the divorce.  The parents will also be adjusting to their own emotions while navigating sharing the children.  Just remember that it is not okay for the children to live in an unhappy, unhealthy home environment and a split family is sometimes the best option.  Research has shown that children adjust better in a split family then a family where there is unhappiness and conflict.  Moreover, adolescents cope better with divorce then young children as they are independent and less reliant on adults. 

Research shows that children with parents who are divorced and don't manage it well become insecure and oppositional.  Research also shows that children in unhealthy homes also become insecure and oppositional.  However, the opposite is for healthy families and harmonious splits. 

Remain open, honest and your best selves when divorcing for your own wellbeing and the children.   Avoid conflict and take responsibility of co-parenting.