The Road to Differentiation

Most couples believe that they need to be the same and a good match but often what happens is they find someone who has a character they need such as speaking up or listening more.  In Imago Therapy couples seeking symbiosis which is being similar and sharing a similar internal world or belief system eventually become frustrated when they notice differences.   A healthy way of seeing your partner is being different and appreciating the differences. It is about being curious about the differences, respecting boundaries, honouring diversity and appreciating different points of views.  Differentiation may create tension in relationships when symbiosis otherwise known as enmeshment creates tension.  This is because symbiosis is losing yourself in the relationship rather than growing to who you are meant to be.  

Couples who seek symbiosis or sameness end up being critical to their partner who shows any differentiation.  Comment such as "how can you think that way", "Why did you buy that, you should know what I want", and "It is your fault with how I am feeling" is a consequences when differentiation appears.   People who are in a symbiotic relationship believe there is a right way of thinking, feeling and being.  

In these relationships you can lose yourself and not appreciate differences.  When each person in the relationship is curious about the differences they may learn new cultures, religion, food, ways of managing money and hobbies.  They may not need to engage in any of the differences but appreciate them.  You appreciate each other that each is not the other but you are your unique self.  You both feel safe to grow, have empathy and listen without distortion. 

Empathy means experiencing what the other person is feeling and understanding that the frustration you or they feel is in fact what the person needs but has become irritating due to feeling threatened as the unconscious is telling you or your partner it is not safe.  For example, you may have connected with your partner because they were assertive and then it became irritating. The assertive part started to feel controlling.  It may mean that you didn't feel safe when you were young to have a voice and the unconscious feels threatened when it it is time to speak up so you work towards exiting the relationship.  Exiting may be spending more time with friends and working longer hours.  But if your unconscious becomes conscious you can actually use the experience to heal and grow.  On the other hand, the controlling partner needs to listen more and let go of control.  

Aim for differentiation rather than someone who thinks the same.  Learn to appreciate each differences and learn from each other to grow into the best version of yourselves. 

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